“She’s a delight to have in class,” teachers would tell my parents when I was growing up. I was quiet, respectful, punctual, and thoughtful in my work. As an adult, I’ve gotten the same feedback from managers and new friends. A delight.

“I put so much invisible stress on myself that I often find myself in bed at night completely and utterly defeated.”

But behind the delight, I don’t always feel delightful. I put so much invisible stress on myself that I often find myself in bed at night completely and utterly defeated. Dreading the next day when I put back on the mask of a smile and a can-do attitude. Spending my days pleasing everyone around me at the expense of myself.

Over the years, my tendency towards people-pleasing — and over-accommodating beyond my capacity — has kept me stuck in patterns that do not suit me financially, emotionally, and physically. I’m sure so many of us feel this way — parents, teachers, students, employees, managers — but what can we actually do about it in the face of a fast-paced world?

What does overaccommodating look like?

My people pleasing has often come from a place of empathy, albeit misplaced — I frequently compare myself to others and give them the benefit of the doubt before checking in with myself. If someone is tired, stressed, overwhelmed — I do what I can to alleviate it despite the fact that I might feel the exact same way. 

I don’t want to always put myself first, but I certainly don’t want to always put myself last.

“I don’t want to always put myself first, but I certainly don’t want to always put myself last.”

There’s a generous spirit, and then there’s a spirit who is so stretched that they become unrecognizable. Their core being is nothing but a gaseous mix of other people’s problems, concerns, suffering — clouding the self who is crying out for help. 

I think of friends at their lowest who still offer support to loved ones — but who are also worn so thin that a single touch could shatter them. I think of workers who take on extra shifts to kindly lighten someone else’s load, while their own bodies cry out for rest. I think of the person on the group project who does all the work to keep the project afloat, while their peers skate on by without lifting a finger.

“I think of workers who take on extra shifts to kindly lighten someone else’s load, while their own bodies cry out for rest.”

I think of The Little Red Hen, a story that’s lived in my mind for as long as I can remember. The hen who does all the work, repeatedly asking for help from her farm animal friends doing tasks like planting, sowing, and milling wheat for their bread. No one feels like helping. In the end, who will help eat the bread she made? Spoiler: Everyone wanted a slice. 

Don’t get me wrong — I’m not saying we shouldn’t remain kind or support each other. In fact, we need each other.

Social services and programs, equal rights, and basic human safety are not overaccommodations. No one is irreparably harmed by someone else’s basic needs and human dignity, and it’s certainly not a stretch if the same support systems will apply to you if you find yourself in the same situation.

When I talk about this pattern of overaccommodating, I’m speaking to the individual tendency that people-pleasers have to put everyone else first at the expense of themselves. It’s prioritizing ways to shore up others, ignoring how you crumble on the inside.

Where does it come from?

Being overly amenable isn’t always just a personality trait: People-pleasing and overaccommodating behaviors can be rooted in early life experiences, particularly those involving childhood trauma or challenging family dynamics. Research shows that children who grow up in unpredictable or emotionally unsafe environments may learn to prioritize others’ needs as a survival strategy — compliance and acquiescence mean safety. This adaptive coping mechanism can bleed into adulthood in the form of chronic people-pleasing and difficulty setting boundaries. 

“People-pleasing and overaccommodating behaviors can be rooted in early life experiences.”

It’s not all entirely descended from trauma, acute or otherwise, however. People-pleasing can also be a learned behavior, modeled by parents or reinforced by cultural norms that equate self-sacrifice with virtue. (Which, as the US was built largely on Christian and Protestant principles, encompasses many of us here in the States).

From my own experience, I’ve also noticed how much more I’m willing to break my boundaries during seasons of particularly low self-esteem. Maybe I want to help a friend declutter their closet, but I’m only doing it to avoid dealing with my clutter at home — after all, I’m not as important as my friend, right? Who do I think I am to deserve a nice space, when they have more going for them?

“I’ve also noticed how much more I’m willing to break my boundaries during seasons of particularly low self-esteem.”

All of this leads to decreasing self-esteem further, paired disastrously with perfectionism; we feel low, so we’re going to go above and beyond for someone else to avoid confronting ourselves. Soon, we enter into a burnout spiral that can take weeks, months, years — or more — to climb out of.

It sure does feel nice to have satisfaction from others, but is it worth it if the cost is our own well-being?

How can we restore a balance?

I want to keep my sense of delight and kindness, but I am also at a point in my life where it’s time to transition into a more boundary-focused approach. Because, to be completely honest, I’m stretched past the limits of being able to care for my own well-being. (You should see my apartment, doom boxes everywhere).

  1. Start with reflection. Where are your people-pleasing patterns most apparent? Take time to think or journal about the people, places, and themes that trigger you into overaccommodation. Also take time to identify your core values and your authentic, earnest self — how do you want to act in support of those moving forward?
  2. Question your motives, with caution. Before saying “yes” to something new, pause and ask yourself: “Am I doing this out of genuine desire, or because I fear disapproval?” This quick check-in interrupts automatic responses and helps you act from intention rather than obligation. (Although, the caution I have here is to not get trapped in a cycle of overthinking — another topic for another day).
  3. Practice saying no. I like to start small by saying no to smaller things and working my way up to more significant boundaries. My colleague has previously written about how to say no, and offers five fabulous guiding questions to consider when you’re about to say yes — or no. And when it comes to boundaries, reflect on what you are comfortable giving or accommodating, and what will be a stretch. Defending your boundaries kindly and firmly does not make you a bad person.
  4. Get used to the discomfort — it’s growth. Whenever I feel nervous about saying no, or mentally label myself “selfish” for not saying yes, I take a pause to remind myself that it’s okay to stand up for my needs. It’s okay to ask for an extension, a reschedule, for extra help when it’s needed the most. We’re told, directly or indirectly, that asking for help is a sign of weakness, which is one of the great tragedies of our modern collective mentality. 
  5. Validate yourself. And when that doubt or discomfort lingers, find ways to validate and encourage yourself that feel safe. A simple “I can do this” works fine, but here are more words of encouragement and positive affirmations to browse through. When I’m overcome with all that lies on my to-do list, I sometimes even call on a persona I call “business Emily.” She’s the version of me who has all the confidence and capacity in the world, and I’ve used her to make stressful phone calls, navigate tough conversations, and advocate for myself in difficult moments. (I’m drained afterwards, but it can be an effective practice).
  6. Seek self-care and support. We can’t do everything alone, and so taking a step back for rest and seeking support are vital to moving forward. Therapy or counseling can be helpful for this, and if you’re unable to find that for any reason it’s okay to enlist the help of a trusted friend to share your feelings with. 

And in the end, if it comes down to it, just imagine yourself as the little red hen. Don’t plant the seeds, sow the wheat, and mill the grain just to give it away to someone who wouldn’t do the same for you. You deserve a loaf of bread — and you deserve your boundaries.

Emily McGowan is the Editorial Director at AlsWell Blog. She studied Creative Writing and Business at Indiana University, and has over ten years of experience as a writer and editor in sustainability and lifestyle spaces. Since 2017, she’s been discovering and reviewing the top sustainable home, fashion, beauty, and wellness products so readers can make their most informed decisions. Her editorial work has been recognized by major publications like The New York Times and BBC Worklife. You can usually find her in her colorful Los Angeles apartment journaling, caring for her rabbits and cat, or gaming. Say hi on Instagram!